Why Am I So Afraid of Being Alone?


Learning to be alone with oneself is surely an art. We are socially and culturally encouraged to be "with"... not alone. Having many friends, being social, connecting with community, and being part of the village are common promotions. Splendid advice, but what about that special, sacred, unfettered time you need to just be with you? Why is that such a scary landscape? In readings and counselling sessions, I hear the words repeated, "I don't want to be alone, I am afraid."

"We are meant to be in relationships with other people, but, just as surely, we are meant to partake of aloneness. To deny this part of our existence is a little like trying to walk the earth on one foot instead of two.

So how can aloneness be a rare gift and a cushy benefit to you? It can be your time to reflect on you and embrace self-understanding, self-expression and personal growth. In such a fast paced society we're on the go! There's never enough time to get things done and someone always needs something from you. How rare it is when you actually have that time for you. Some have the time, but run from it by numbing it with drugs or alcohol, watching television, reading fiction, watching movies, shopping till dropping, staying on phones, computers, etc.

But, what if you used your time creatively to find and fuel the real you? What are your interests, passions, talents, wishes, desires, dreams and feelings? What if you made those things very, very important and listened to the deep inner being of you? The amazing you that was created for your own unique and special path, wants to talk to you. There is much to harvest in our own resources contained within. If only we listen.

Growing a strong sense of self requires that time alone. It does not have to be a fearful time. It may be short spurts or longer extensions depending on the seasons of your life. Sometimes it takes practice and structuring this special interlude to overcome the fear.

People often worry about what others will think. Pouring from our pitchers of self-doubt we ask worrisome questions. If I am alone for a while, will I be viewed as a loner? If I don't date, will people think I am weird or anti-social? If I take time out from my family to work on me, will I be viewed as selfish or uncaring? Is there some stigma about being alone that keeps you from doing it? Thinking about the messages you give yourself while you are alone is a worthwhile project. Are you calling yourself a loser or are you telling yourself this is a special gift of love for you? How we view it, is what makes us feel good or bad about ourselves.

Because we live in a social society many can relate to the stigma of aloneness. Introverts struggle with their need for time alone to accomplish inner reflection as they sort and integrate new information and experience. Artists, writers, creators, are those who need time by themselves to find inspiration. What if your passion is piano or something similar that requires time alone to practice, create, express? I know people who just want to sit with their animals or ride their horses in complete solitude. Some love to hike... alone. The journey back to self in these quiet times can be our best therapy.